90 Days

I've been a little stressed out lately. You see, there is this number lingering above my head every day when I wake up. Today, the number is 90. In 90 days, I will be walking down an aisle with a cap and gown on, graduating from college. In 90 days, I will hold in my hand a piece of paper that I have wanted for 21 years, 7 months, and 18 days. So, this whole 90 day mark has left me a little freaked out.

Ever since 2008 started, these thoughts have been flooding my head: What am I going to do with my life come May? Should I move back to New York City, travel, move somewhere else completely different? Am I going to have enough money to live on? Does life go completely downhill after this? What if my best friends are all scattered around the country? What if I don't succeed?

And then I realize that worrying about the rest of my life for the next 90 days is stress-inducing and relatively unhelpful. Once I start asking all of these questions, I usually can't help but think about how I got here in the first place. Sometimes I walk around the campus and remember that just 4 years ago, I was staring up at the lit chapel wondering what it would be like to attend college- this college. I look around at the dining hall, my dorm, the library- all of which seem so familiar to me now. But I remember how differently I felt just 4 years ago, so filled with idyllic thoughts of all the learning, laughing, living that I would do here. And 4 years later, I've studied in that library more times than I care to think about. I've had my share of parties, and movie watching, and late night laughs with some of my favorite people the the world. I've eaten way too many Commons bagels and salads. When I think about the day-to-day, it all looks the same- almost 1,000 days of classes, concerts, dining hall meals, sleeping on a small twin bed, meetings, practices, tests, papers.

But, as Andy Warhol once said, "Life is a series of images that change as they repeat themselves." Somewhere in between the monotonous routines, your life transforms into something completely different. And this is the quote I am left with at the end of each day, when the worrying has subsided for a moment. I realize that I only have 90 days to live this wonderfully ordinary routine, to watch the leaves grow on campus for one last spring, to say up late looking at the lit chapel that I once stood under wondering how it would feel to take it for granted.

I can't answer all of the questions that linger in my head. I have no idea what I'll be doing in 4 months, or if I'll live at home or in another country. I have no idea if I'll live with college friends, friends from back home, or completely by myself in the middle of nowhere. I have no idea if I will "have enough money" for the first few years out. But what I do know is that I have faith that things will happen as they should- they have so far.

Alicia, one of my closest college friends, recently wrote me a beautiful letter. This is the advice she gave me about these last days: "Spend hours at Commons. Don't watch TV alone. Do watch TV with a friend. Eat at every upstate New York restaurant, because you'll miss it when it's gone. Get your nails done with friends, have study sessions. Walk around that beautiful campus until your feet fall off. Go to all of the free concerts, have tons of fun, and break a rule or two. LIVE IT UP, because you only get one go around on this crazy planet."

The only thing left to do now is take her advice! If I've learned any one lesson during my time on The Hill, it is that life is a series of images that change as they repeat themselves. Nothing is constant or predictable, even when it appears to be. The worst way to spend life is trying to have all the answers, because they rarely come in the form we think they will or should. But, this is the best thing about college, and life, and living- you never have all the answers. And for the next 90 days, I won't try to look for them.

Love Life!
Melissa